Because she is now famous and has been in the news lately, Aling Dionisia Jokes are now doing the rounds of the cellphone networks. This is the first one I have received so far, and it really made my day:
Sa isang sosyalerang salon:
Gretchen: "I want my hair dyed jet black, cut it short and then treat it with lots of keratin extracts." Aling Dionisia: "I want my hair dyed gold, curl i to the fullest level then implant one diamond at the tip of every strand.:
Taob ang La Greta!
* * * * *
-Sa Las Vegas-
Waiter: May i take ur order, madam?
Aling Dionisia: Soup
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!
* * * * *
‘you iS!’
‘you is!’
‘you is!’
-siGaw ni aLing dionisia pgdating sa Amerika. Andito na aq sa ‘you is!’
* * * * *
“Ang ganda ng bigas!” Iyan ang sabi ni Mommy Dionisia pagkagaling ng Las Vegas, Nevada.
Kapag dala ng kalabuan ng mata ay nakabasag ako ng pinggan
o nakatapon ng sabaw sa hapag kainan,
huwag mo sana akong kagagalitan.
Maramdamin ang isang matanda.
Nagse-self-pity ako sa tuwing sinisigawan mo ako.
Kapag mahina na ang tenga ko at hindi ko maintindihan
ang sinasabi mo, huwag mo naman sana akong sabihan
ng ‘binge!’ paki-ulit nalang ang
sinabi mo o pakisulat nalang.
Pasensya ka na, anak. Matanda na talaga ako.
Kapag mahina na ang tuhod ko, pagtiyagaan mo sana akong
tulungang tumayo, katulad ng pag-aalalay ko sa iyo
noong nag-aaral ka pa lamang lumakad.
Pagpasensyahan mo sana ako kung ako man ay
nagiging makulit at paulit-ulit na parang sirang plaka.
Basta pakinggan mo nalang ako.
Huwag mo sana akong pagtatawanan o
pagsasawaang pakinggan.
Natatandaan mo anak noong bata ka pa?
kapag gusto mo ng lobo, paulit-ulit mo ‘yong sasabihin,
maghapon kang mangungulit hangga’t
hindi mo nakukuha ang gusto mo.
Pinagtyagaan ko ang kakulitan mo.
Pagpasensyahan mo na rin sana ang aking amoy. Amoy matanda, amoy lupa.
Huwag mo sana akong piliting maligo.
Mahina na ang katawan ko.
Madaling magkasakit kapag nalamigan,
huwag mo sana akong pandirihan.
Natatandaan mo noong bata ka pa?
pinatyagaan kitang habulin sa ilalim ng kama
kapag ayaw mong maligo.
Pagpasensyahan mo sana kung madalas,
ako’y masungit, dala na marahil ito ng katandaan.
Pagtanda mo, maiintindihan mo rin.
Kapag may konti kang panahon,
magkwentuhan naman tayo, kahit sandali lang.
Inip na ako sa bahay, maghapong nag-iisa.
Walang kausap.
Alam kong busy ka sa trabaho,
subalit nais kong malaman mo na sabik
na sabik na akong makakwentuhan ka,
kahit alam kong hindi ka interesado sa mga kwento ko.
Natatandaan mo anak, noong bata ka pa?
Pinagtyagaan kong pakinggan at intindihin
ang pautal-utal mong kwento tungkol sa iyong teddy bear.
At kapag dumating ang sandali na ako’y magkakasakit
at maratay sa banig ng karamdaman,
huwag mo sana akong pagsawaang alagaan.
Pagpasensyahan mo na sana kung ako
man ay maihi o madumi sa higaan,
pagtyagaan mo sana akong alagaan sa mga
huling sandali ng aking buhay.
Tutal hindi na naman ako magtatagal.
Kapag dumating ang sandali ng aking pagpanaw,
hawakan mo sana ang aking kamay
at bigyan mo ako ng lakas ng loob
na harapin ang kamatayan.
At huwag kang mag-alala,
kapag kaharap ko na ang Diyos na lumikha,
ibubulong ko sa kanya na pagpalain ka sana …
dahil naging mapagmahal ka sa iyong ama’t ina…
(Sent to me by my Kuya Ed a few years ago. I saved it, it's too good to be deleted and forgotten.)
Written by Rev. Fr. Ariel F. Robles St. Augustine Parish Baliuag, Bulacan Philippines
BOY: Mommy, batit ato buyoy?
MOM: Kc d k p circumcized.
BOY: Ate, batit ato buyoy?
ATE: kc d k p tuli.
BOY: Dadi, batit ato buyoy?
DAD: Kati anak, di k p tuyi!
erap talking to his gardener..
erap: hoy! bakit hindi ka nagdidilig?
gardener: umuulan naman po eh
erap: dat's no excuse! magpayong ka!!!
mrs: tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos.
mr: ikaw, makeup mo mas magastos.
mrs: nagpapaganda ko para sa yo.
mr: ako umiinom para gumanda ka!
Lando: 'Nay uminom po ako ng BAYGON.
Nanay: Ha? nagpapakamatay ka ba?
Lando: Hindi po, nakalunok po ako ng buhay na ipis!
Nanay: Uminom ka nun...e di ka pa nagdi-dinner!!
anak: Nay' ANg galing ng titser namin.. Tinuruan kami ng magandang asal
Nanay: Talaga? edi marunong ka nang gumalang at mag po at opo?
anak: natural........ tanga ka ba?!
teacher: pedro, kilala mo ba si jose rizal?
pedro: hindi po...
teacher: juan, kilala mo ba si jose rizal?
juan: hindi rin po..
teacher: (naiinis na) walang nakakakilala sa inyo kay jose rizal'
ramon: ma'am baka po sa kabilang section sya!!!
A man and his nagger wife went to Jerusalem(the holy land) for a vacation. When they were in Jerusalem his wife suddenly died.
The Undertaker ask the man if he wanted to take his wife home for $5000 or bury her at Jerusalem for only $500.
The man replied that he wanted to take his wife home.
Undertaker: Sir why do you wan't to take your wife home? Why don't you just bury her here in the holy land where it is cheaper.
The man replied: Years ago a man died here, after 3 days he rose from the dead. Nope! I wouldn't take a chance.
It’s hard to take a long, unflinching look at Madam Auring’s face or what's left of it after surgery and all. But it’s harder to take anything she says at face value. After all, this is the woman who boldly predicted on TV that Ms. “Valenzuela” will be crowned Ms. Universe in 1994 (the title went to Ms. India, Sushmita Sen) and that Uma Khouny will become her lover. Her most dubious claims, however, pertain to her age and sexual prowess. In one interview, she claimed to be only 46 years old, even though her eldest child then was 42. Later, in a televised sit-down with Sharon Cuneta, she admitted to being “16 but in reverse.” She also famously declared in “The Buzz” that she still has asim, a certain sourness, in bed. To prove her asim-ness, she publicly came out with her 20 year old boy-toy by the name of Archie Mendoza and then, as the whole nation choked in their own vomit, kissed the malnourished, curly-haired boy, tongue and all. Subsequently, she confessed to having miscarried dear Archie’s child.
When she’s not predicting the future of starlets or sucking face with Archie on TV, Madam Auring is busy dueling with other D-listers, such as the late Tita Swarding and screen villainess Bella Flores. But her most unforgettable televised tussle has to be her showdown with Mystika, another attention-whore. Apparently, Madam Auring and Mystika used to be best friends until Madam Auring stole Mystika’s boyfriend, Archie. Their feud culminated in an explosive showdown at “S-Files” which saw Madam Auring sitting atop Mystika and using her face as a floor-scrubber. Now, who says you can't find anything entertaining on local tv?
Say what you will about Madam Auring – that she’s a sham, a freakshow, a clown – but when it comes to the art of attention-whoring, she’s undeniably a genius. May asim pa rin.
1st mom mahilig ka sa sweets, so u named your daughter CANDY,
2nd mom mahilig ka sa pera so you named your son PENNY
3rd mom tumayo, "Let's go D!CK bago tayo mainsulto dito!!"
---------------
Nakabasag si Erap ng vase sa museum. Nataranta ang tour guide!
Tour guide: Naku sir, more than 500 years old na yan!
Erap: Whew! Buti na lang. Akala ko bago.
----------------
Jinggoy: Dad, sinong idol mo?
Erap: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Jinggoy: Sige nga, Dad, spell Schwarzenegger.
Erap: Hindi, joke lang, anak, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
---------------
Pag nagalit mama mo,
kasi late ka na umuwi...
Wag ka matakot.
Unahan mo:
"Bakit ngayon lang ako umuwi?
San ako nanggaling?"
Sabay kuha ng bag at damit saka mo isigaw...
"Punyetang bata ako!
Hala sige lumayas ako!!"
-------------------
Nakatakas si Erap, FVR at GMA sa mga terorista at nagtago sa mga sako sa farm.
Terrorist1: Ano nakita mo dyan?
Terrorist2: Mga sako lang. Tingnan mo kung me laman!
Sinipa ng terorista ang sako. "Meow!" sabi ni GMA.
Terrorist2: PUSA!
Sinipa ang isa pang sako. "Aw! Aw!" sabi ni FVR.
Terrorist2: ASO!
Sinipa ang 1 pang sako pero walang tunog kaya sinipa nya ito ng sinipa. Nasasaktan na si Erap kaya sabi nito, "PATATAS AKO kaya wala akong sound. Mga *****!"
It was the first day of school in WashingtonDC and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered fourth grade.
The teacher began, “Let’s review some American history, class. Who said ‘Give me liberty or give me death?’” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy’s who had his hand up, “Patrick Henry, 1775.” “Very good,” said the teacher.
“Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth’”?
Again, no response except from Dagohoy: “Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863,” he said.
The teacher snaps at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do.”
She hears a loud whisper from the back: “Screw the Filipinos.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Dagohoy put his hand up. “General John Pershing, Manila, 1896.”
At that point, Jack, another student says, “I’m going to puke.”
The teacher glares and asks, “All right! Now who said that?”
Again Dagohoy answers, “George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991.”
Now furious another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!!”
Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!”
Someone shouts, “You little shit if you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Dagohoy yells, “Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!”
The teacher faints.
“I’m outta here!” mutters one student as he sidles to the door.
“President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, BaguioCity, December 30, 2002!!” Dagohoy responds.
As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, “Oh shit, now we’re really in big trouble!”
“Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Baghdad, May 2003!” Dagohoy bellowed.
“Now, I really have to run,” Jack mutters, heading for the exit.
“Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!!!” Dagohoy shouts triumphantly jumping with glee.
Job interview:
Boss:Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss:Tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------ ---------------- - --
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy ang misis ko, kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng sampung kilo 'yung kabayo!
------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - --
Ama:Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ---
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ -----
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
------------ ------------ ------------ -- ----
3 tanga nagsi siksikan sa maliit na kama ***
TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa lapag na lang matulog. (Bumaba si Tanga 1.) TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito!
************ ********* **
Dear Dodong,
Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk...
Nagmamahal - Nanay
************ ********* **
ANAK: ' Tay , penge ng pera. May project kami. Bibili ako ng 'cocomban'.
TATAY: Ano ka ba naman. Hangga ngayon 'cocomban' pa rin ang tawag mo!
ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama?
TATAY: Bomb paper!
************ ********* ********* **
MISIS: Dear, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na. Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan, di ako nakauwi!
************ ********* ********
PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid. Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!
************ ********* ********* ***
At a funeral...
ERAP: Tara na, Jinggoy. Alis na tayo!
JINGGOY: Kararating pa lang natin a!
ERAP: Naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin mo o: 'REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED.'
************ ********* ********
Tanga 1: Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1 coffee. Kanina ka pa silip nang silip diyan.
Tanga 2: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal.. Nakasulat kasi sa karton 'SUGAR FREE.'
************ ********* *******
JUAN: Pare, ang bilis kong nabuo 'tong puzzle!
PEDRO: Talaga? Gaano kabilis?
JUAN: 5 months!
PEDRO: Tagal naman!
JUAN: Tagal ba 'yun? Nakalagay nga dito:'for 3 years & up'!
This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true:
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, ' This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received. ' I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world. Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section. The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth. Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed." How is it that there is no work going on here? ' I asked. "So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments" "How does one acknowledge God's blessings? " I asked.. "Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord. " "What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked. "If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world ' s wealthy. " "And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity." "If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day. " "If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world." "If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world." "If your parents are still alive and still married ..you are very rare."
"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair......."
“Can you repeat that for the 2nd time around once more?”
“Hello, my brother Joey is out of town, would you like to wait?”
“Don’t touch me not!”
“You! you’re not a boy anymore! You’re a man anymore!”
“Hello? For a while. Please hang yourself.”
“Why should I have a calling card? I’m not a call girl!”
“That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.”
“Don’t judge my brother; he’s not a book.”
“I won’t stoop down to my level.”
“Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?”
“Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.”
“We are lovers, not fighters.”
“Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.”
“I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.”
“Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat.”
(During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick,
directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)
“Sumasakit ang migraine ko.”
“Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!”
“Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point.”
(When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.)
“Oo nga”, said Melanie,”pero I-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.” Then Melanie looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, she said, “And to you, Mrs Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!”.
“Dont worry little angel, big angel is here”.
“He should be put behind bar”. You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can fool me thrice, but you can never fool me four”.
“Nikki, you’re so galing. You should go to the states. You will sell hotcakes”.
“They should talk behind the scene… (on Kris and Joey)
“Hindi ba kayo naawa sa kapatid ko… sa mga kwento nya? Di ba kayo na-PERSUAVE ng mga kwento niya? Hindi si Joey ang tipong mambubugbog ng babae… talaga lang malapit siya sa mga gulo… PRO-ACCIDENT kasi siya eh.”
Boy Abunda: O Melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong magmo-Mormon ka na?
Melanie: Ah okay lang ‘yon Boy, kasi matagal na rin akong SEMI-RETARDED.
“A man’s success is a woman’s behind.”
“My husband was born on a silver spoon”
Ate Luds: Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo? Melanie: Alam mo Ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to istep your foot…ah, forward!
“It’s not my problem anymore. It’s their problem anymore.”
Melanie Marquez was accosted by a certain guy from a certain TV network.
He shouted, “Hey *****,” upon which Melanie turned around
and retorted, “Don’t you ever, ever call me…. hey!”
“I keep my crown in the voltage.”
“Well, I want to spend my holidays with my family most probably out of place. ”
“Please watch HIRAM starring Aleck Baldwin (referring to Aleck Bovick) and myself.. It’s DIRECTOR by Romy Suzara..” (While she was in Morning Girls With Kris and Korina)
“My answers have been prayered.” (After giving birth, and an interview on The Buzz )
“Hello…Huwag kang tumahol sa sarili mong bakuran noh! You know, huwag kang tumahol like dogs.” (On ex-flame Lito Lapid, in response to being misunderstood)
Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal ka naman magbasa. Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.
Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Maynila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.
Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito! Katulad na lang nung nabili kong shampoo, ayaw bumula! Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya naman hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.
Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay... aba’y akala ba nila hindi ko alam na ‘sigaw’ ang tagalog ng YALE, aba’y wais yata ito!
Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo pero dahil medyo mahal daw kasi mabigat ang mga botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.
Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.
Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.
Nakapanganak na rin pala ang Ate Baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalaki kaya hindi ko pa masasabi kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie...
Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako! Diba yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga pampasaherong bus. Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun? Saan ba ang Terminal nila?
At saka nga pala, may nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo, taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV. Ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang Inggles ang Kulangot. Di ko nasagot... ikaw anak, alam mo?
Wala na akong masyadong balita. Hanggang sa muli, anak. Marami pa kasi akong aasikasuhin. Isasauli ko pa yung shampoo at hahanapin ko pa yung terminal ng Panty Liner.
Love,
Tatay
P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope. Next time na lang ha!
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: ‘10, 9, 8,….’.
FVR shouts, ‘Flood!’. In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It’s Cory’s turn. She shouts: ‘Earthquake! ‘. The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: ‘10, 9, 8, 7….’. Erap had a mental block. ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1…’
Erap shouted: ‘Fire!’.
Joke #9: ERAP IN LIBRARY
Erap in Library
‘What time does the library open?’ Erap on the phone asked.
‘Nine A.M. ‘ came the reply. ‘And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?’
‘Not until nine A.M.?’ Erap asked in a disappointed voice.
‘No, not till nine A.M.!’ the librarian said.
‘Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?’
‘ha, who said I wanted to get in?’ Erap sighed sadly. ‘I want to get out!’
Joke #10: IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap’s wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
Joke #11: ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma’am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
Joke #12: TESTING
As Erap’s Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw…….
Joke #13: WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: ‘Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?’
Erap: ‘I don’t know, kasi nasa first class ako.’
Joke #14: KAMUKHA DAW
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo, galit na galit.
Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!
Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for. Amo: [napatumbling!!]
Amo: Inday, bakit binenta mo ung sira na silya?! Inday: I have computed the chair’s fair value less cost to sell, and the value in use using the projections for 5 years and a pretax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is in accordance with PAS18 on Revenue, PAS16 on PPE, and PA36 on Impairment of Assets. Amo: [nagsummersault!!! Accountant din pala si inday...]
Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan, malikot si junior. Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you! Junior: [takbo sa CR, pinunasan ang nagdudugong ilong!!]
Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7. Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis? Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they’ll stay. Leaving can be a tough act, and it’s harder when people can’t understand you for doing so. Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]
Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong, ang driver ng kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate. Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable statement to the denial of your request - Petition denied.
Di naglaon, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, naging syota nya rin si Inday. Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-break si Inday ke Dodong.
Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocations. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!” Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as any affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely attempting to expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily recreation. Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself. (May dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.)
Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things you thought are just nothing because maybe someday you’ll realize that the one you gave away is the very thing you’ve been wishing for to stay.
Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni inday.
Amo: {hinimatay sa sobrang nosebleed! Hanggang ngayon hindi pa nagkakamalay}
Si inday, sumulat sa kanyang inay ng mga hinaing sa buhay…Dear mom, Had it been for the smelling salt, I must have collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me, Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn’t enough, he was summoned by the principal of his shabbily run academe. Oh, such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never thought being a governess can be such strenuous employ.
CHAVIT: MANNY, paki acknowledge naman si 1st Gentleman,late dumating, ayun kadadaan lang, tabi ng ringside.,
PACMAN: i wud like to acknowledge da ARRIVAL OF DA LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.
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Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tau anu magandang name? Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin… “MANKY” Harhar.
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Pacquiao: honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : lambing mo talaga. mwah !! nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita… ang dilim!!
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INRITS YUR BOCABOLARY: by Manny Pacquiao
TACTICS - tunog ng orasan PAYT - laban para sa Pinoy TAYTOL - pamagat ng laban JENGKEH - name ng dyowa nya?! NO PEER - sponsor nya MOTOR KID - pag-ikot nya sa Manila CHECK IN - manok sa McDo CORRUPT - pagsara ng mata MURA LESS - nakalaban nya WIT - timbang WAWAWEH - noontime show DUET - gawin mo L.A. - Leto Attyinsah! QUOTES - tawag nya kay Freddie Roach!
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"Dare what it takes to be, then we shall so because it is. To do or not, now or what else to be without" You know!
----Words of wisdom from Manny Pacquiao.
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Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan...
Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar...GenSan?
Manny: ah, yun ba? uhmm...eh...ang masasabii ku lang diyan ay...
Reporter: ano..?
Manny: ahh, kwan,...maraming Fish sa GenSan pero wala masyado umo-Order.
-----------------
Manny: dear te,
dear te,
dear te,
dear te yan Junior!!!
---Manny, pinagagalitan ang anak nya kasi naglalaro sa kanal.
-------------------------
Si Manny habang inimbita ni PGMA sa isang Hapunan...
GMA:"I`ll have Swiss Steak and French Fries", nag order si GMA sa waiter.
Waiter: And you, Sir?
Manny: The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too
agaw-buhay -- naghihingalo, between life and death
anak-pawis -- magsasaka; manggagawa farmer; laborer; blue-collar worker
anak-dalita -- mahirap, poor
alilang-kanin -- utusang walang sweldo, pagkain lang, house-help with no income, provided with food and shelter
balitang kutsero -- hindi totoong balita, rumor, gossip, false story
balik-harap -- mabuti sa harapan, taksil sa likuran double-faced person, one who betrays trust
bantay-salakay -- taong nagbabait-baitan a person who pretends to be good, opportunist
bungang-araw -- sakit sa balat prickly heat (literal=fruit of the sun)
balat-sibuyas -- manipis, maramdamin a sensitive person (literal=onion-skinned)
balat-kalabaw -- makapal, di agad tinatablan ng hiya one who is insensitive; with dense-face (literal=buffalo-skinned)
buto't balat -- payat na payat malnourished (literal=skin-and-bone)
tulak ng bibig -- salita lamang, di tunay sa loob insincere words (literal=pushed-by-the-mouth)
dalawa ang bibig -- mabunganga, madaldal nagger, talkative person (literal=two-mouthed)
halang ang bituka -- salbahe, desperado, hindi nangingiming pumatay, a person with no moral compunction (literal=with a horizontal intestine)
mahapdi ang bituka -- nagugutom, a hungry person (literal=sore intestine)
makapal ang bulsa -- maraming pera rich, wealthy (literal = with a thick pocket)
butas ang bulsa -- walang pera poor (literal=with a hole in the pocket)
sukat ang bulsa -- marunong gumamit ng pera someone who knows his ability to pay
nagbabatak ng buto -- nagtatrabaho ng higit sa kinakailangan one who works hard
matigas ang buto -- malakas, a strong person
kidlat sa bilis -- napakabilis, exceedingly fast
kusang palo -- sariling sipag, initiative
mabigat ang kamay -- tamad magtrabaho, a lazy person (literal=heavy-handed person)
magaan ang kamay -- madaling manuntok, manapok, manakit, one who easily hits another person, easily provoked (literal=light-handed person)
mabilis ang kamay -- mandurukot a snatcher, pickpocket (literal=fast-handed)
malikot ang kamay -- kumukuha ng hindi kanya one who has the habit of stealing things (literal=listless hand)
di makabasag-pinggan -- mahinhin a very demure, prim-and-proper person
di mahulugang-karayom -- maraming tao overcrowded place (literal=where one cannot throw a pin)
pag-iisang dibdib -- kasalwedding (literal=to be of one heart)
kabiyak ng dibdib -- asawa spouse (literal=the other half of the heart)
daga sa dibdib -- takot worry, fear (literal=mouse in the chest)
nagbukas ng dibdib -- nagtapat na nais pakasalan ang kasintahan a man who proposed marriage (literal=opened his heart)
bulaklak ng dila -- pagpapalabis sa katotohanan exaggeration (literal=flower of the tongue)
magdilang anghel -- magkatotoo sana to wish that what has been said will come true
makati ang dila -- madaldal, mapunahin talkative person (literal = one with itchy tongue)
matalas ang dila -- masakit mangusap one who talks offensively (literal = sharp-tongued person)
maanghang ang dila -- bastos magsalita a vulgar person (literal = spicy-tongued person)
matamis ang dila -- mahusay mangusap, bolero a fast talker (literal = sweet-tongued person)
kaututang dila -- katsismisan a gossip (literal = farting tongue)
sanga-sangang dila -- sinungaling a liar
may krus ang dila -- nakapanghihimatong one who could foretell an event
kumukulo ang dugo -- naiinis, nasusuklam a person who hates somebody (literal=boiling blood)
magaan ang dugo -- madaling makapalagayan ng loob a person with whom one gets along easily (literal=light-blood)
maitim ang dugo -- salbahe, tampalasan an evil or bad person (literal=dark-blooded)
hampas-lupa -- lagalag, busabos a bum person, without any goals in life
haligi ng tahanan -- ama father (literal = post of the house)
ilaw ng tahanan -- ina mother (literal = light of the house)
itaga sa bato -- tandaan to remember (something) forever (literal = cast in stone)
isulat sa tubig -- kalimutan to forget (something) forever (literal=write it on water)
makitid ang isip -- mahinang umunawa, walang masyadong nalalaman someone incapable of understanding (literal=narrow-minded)
malawak ang isip -- madaling umunawa, maraming nalalaman someone who easily understands (literal=broad-minded)
malakas ang loob -- matapang a brave person (literal=strong-willed)
mahina ang loob -- duwag a coward (literal=weak-willed)
mababa ang loob -- maawain merciful person (literal=low-hearted)
masama ang loob -- nagdaramdam a person with a grudge, painful or ill feelings against someone (literal=bad feelings)
mabigat ang loob -- di-makagiliwan a person with whom one could not get along with
bukal sa loob -- taos-puso, tapat a sincere person, or one who gives with a pure heart (literal=pure-hearted)
mahabang dulang -- kasalan wedding
makalaglag-matsing -- nakaka-akit enchanting look
makuskos-balungos -- mareklamo, mahirap amuin, mahirap pasayahin hard to please, always complaining
mahaba ang buntot -- laging nasusunod ang gusto, kulang sa palo, salbahe a person who is a spoiled brat
malapad ang papel -- maraming kakilala na makapagbibigay ng tulong a person who is very influential
may magandang hinaharap -- may magandang kinabukasan a person with a bright future
may sinasabi -- mayaman, may likas na talino a wealthy person or a talented person
matalas ang mata -- madaling makakita someone who could easily spot something (literal=sharp-eyed)
tatlo ang mata -- maraming nakikita, mapaghanap ng mali a fault-finder, cynical person (literal=three-eyed person)
namuti ang mata -- nainip sa kahihintay, matagal nang naghihintay a person who was stood up (literal=one whose eyes turned white)
matigas ang leeg -- mapag-mataas, di namamansin snobbish person (literal=stiff-necked)
matigas ang katawan -- tamad a lazy person (literal=stiff-bodied)
makapal ang palad -- masipag a busy-body, industrious person (literal=thick-palmed)
maitim ang budhi -- masamang tao, tuso an evil or bad person (literal=dark-souled)
mababaw ang luha -- madaling umiyak emotional person (literal=tear-on-the-surface)
makapal ang mukha -- di marunong mahiya a shameless person (literal= dense-faced)
manipis ang mukha -- mahiyain a shy person (literal= thin-faced)
maaliwalas ang mukha -- masayahin a joyful person (literal= bright-faced)
madilim ang mukha -- taong simangot, problemado a problematic person (literal=dim-faced)
dalawa ang mukha -- kabilanin, balik-harap a deceptive, two-faced person
nakahiga sa salapi/pera -- mayaman rich, connotes someone who is spoiled by wealth
nagbibilang ng poste -- walang trabaho someone who is jobless, literally counting posts
namamangka sa dalawang ilog -- salawahan a person who is unfaithful
nagmumurang kamatis -- matandang nag-aayos binata o dalaga an old man/woman insecure about his/her looks and dresses up like a young person
naniningalang-pugad -- nanliligaw a man courting a woman
ningas-kugon -- panandalian, di pang-matagalan something that is not permanent, usually connotes a behavior or action not meant to last
panis ang laway -- taong di-palakibo a very quiet person
pagkagat ng dilim -- pag lubog ng araw twilight
patay-gutom -- matakaw glutton
pulot-gata -- pagtatalik ng bagong kasal honeymoon
putok sa buho -- anak sa labas an illegitimate child; out-of-wedlock child
makati ang paa -- mahilig sa gala o lakad a person who is fond of going places (literal=itchy feet)
pantay ang mga paa -- patay na one who just died (literal=level feet)
nagpupusa -- nagsasabi ng mga kuwento ukol sa isang tao telling on somebody
saling-pusa -- pansamantalang kasali sa laro o trabaho temporarily included in a game or work
sampid-bakod -- nakikisunod, nakikikain, o nakikitira someone who is privileged to lodge and board in house for free
samaing palad -- malas na tao an unfortunate person, unlucky person
sampay-bakod -- taong nagpapanggap, hindi mapagkakatiwalaan ang sinasabi a false, pretentious person
takaw-tulog -- mahilig matulog a lazy person who always wants to stay in bed
takipsilim -- paglubog ng araw twilight
talusaling -- manipis ang balat a very sensitive person
talusira -- madaling magbago a person who easily changes
tawang-aso -- nagmamayabang, nangmamaliit a person who sneers
matalas ang tainga -- madaling makarinig one who easily hears the news (literal=sharp-eared)
maputi ang tainga -- kuripot miser, scrooge (literal=white-eared)
nakapinid ang tainga -- nagbibingi-bingihan one who plays deaf (literal=closed-eared)
taingang kawali -- nagbibingi-bingihan one who plays deaf (literal=wok-eared: uses metaphor of the handle of a wok)
utang na loob -- pasasalamat na hindi kayang bayaran ng ano pa man (as noun) debt of gratitude
matalas ang ulo -- matalino bright, intelligent (literal=sharp-headed)
mahangin ang ulo -- mayabang arrogant person (literal=air-headed)
malamig ang ulo -- maganda ang sariling disposisyon in a good mood (literal=cool-headed)
mainit ang ulo -- pangit ang disposisyon in a bad mood (literal=hot-headed)
lumaki ang ulo -- yumabang someone who became proud, arrogant (literal=one whose head grew big)
matigas ang ulo -- ayaw makinig sa pangaral o utos one who is stubborn (literal=hard-headed)
basag-ulo -- gulo, away chaos, quarrel, fight (literal=break head)
may ipot sa ulo -- taong pinagtaksilan ng asawa a person who has been cheated by his/her spouse (literal=one with shit on his/her head)
sira ang ulo/sira ang tuktok -- taong maraming kalokohan ang nasa isip a crazy or foolish person
utak-biya -- bobo, mahina ang ulo stupid, brainless (literal=fish-brained)
matalas ang utak -- matalino bright, intelligent person (literal=sharp-brained)
Please do not get confused with my surname, Chu. I am not Chinese, I am a true-blooded Pinoy. If I am not a real McCoy, I will not be able to find and deliver humor in this blog. I hope you'll find pleasure in reading my posts. Be my friend. You can call me Chuvanes (which is another word for chever).
1. Ats if! 2. The nerd! 3. I'm sick of tired. 4. True good to be true. 5. When it rains, it's four. 6. Once in a new moon. 7. Keep your mouth shock. 8. Connect me if I'm wrong. 9. I hope you don't mine. 10. Will you please give me alone? 11. Please don't make fond of me.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked. Cinderella comes home at midnight. Pinocchio lies all the time. Aladdin is the king of thieves. Batman drives 200mph. Popeye smokes like crazy. Sleeping beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from their story books.
Ang Sulat ni Maria
Registered nurse si Maria sa States.Kasama nya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot doon.
Ngunit namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Maria.
Pinauwi na lang nya ang kabaong
ng kanyang ina na mag-isa.
Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng pamilya ni Maria na dikit na dikit ang mukha ng patay sa salamin ng ataul. Sabi ng isang anak, “ Ano ba naman ‘yan! Hindi marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! “
Binuksan ng pamilya ang kabaong upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay. Aba! May sulat sa dibdib ng patay na ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa.
Ito ang nilalaman ng sulat na mula kay Maria:
Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:
Pasensya na kayo at ‘di ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $1,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga.
Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod:
- Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu’t apat na karne norte. Ang Adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay.
- Ang limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo.
- Ang iba’t-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa pwet ni nanay. Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana ay hindi natunaw ang mga ito.
- Ang Pokemon stuff toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. Gift ko sa first birthday ng bata.
- Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene. Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni Inay, kasama nito ang Japanese version ng Pokemon trading cards at stickers.
- Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko . Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.
- Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong leg warmers para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot ninyo sa party.
- May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, Itay, Kuya, Dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa yung mga pamangkin ko at yung isa ay para kay Pareng Tulume.
- Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo, Diko, na nagbabasketball.
- Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro Green at Winston Lights ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni Inay. Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.
- Isang dosenang Wonder Bra na gusting-gusto ni Tiya Iska, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo yan, Tiyang. Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo, Tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Kunin mo agad, Tatay, baka mapag-interesan pa ng iba.
- Ang hikaw, singsing at kwintas ( na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) na gustong-gusto mo, Ditse, ay suot-suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, Ditse.
- Isang Rae Ban ladies sunglass na pa-birthday ko kay Ninang Berta, hindi ko na pinasuot kay nanay. Isiniksik ko na lang sa may bandang ulunan ni nanay. Nasa pink na plastik na maliit.
- Mga Chanel at Champeon na medyas, suot-suot din ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo, mga pamangkin ko.
- Mga pampers, panty liners, cotton buds, cotton balls, table napkins at mga scotch brite na may foam ay natatakpan ng mga puting bath towels …. ‘yun bale ang pinangkutson ko sa kabaong ni nanay. Marami-rami rin ‘yon. Parte-parte rin kayo.
- Marami pa akong pinagsisiksik kung saan-saang parte gaya ng cafe, coffee creamer, ilang Vienna sausage na de-lata, Barbie dolls, toothbrush, paper cups, plastic spoon and fork, paper at styro foam plates, perfume, cologne, ballpens, stationeries, envelopes, bar soaps, match box toys, used t-shirts, hand towels, CD, VHS tapes, padlock, tools gaya ng screw driver, plais, long nose, atbp.
Hindi ko na na-itemize ang lahat dahil sa nagmamadali ako. Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag excess baggage at si Nanay pa ang maiwan.
Basta parte-parte kayo, Tatay, Kuya, Ate, Dikong, Ditse. Para sa inyong lahat ito.
Bahala na kayo kay Nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang sya rito. Balitaan nyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.
Nagmamahal,
Maria
PS. Pakibihisan agad si Nanay!
Ang Sulat ni Tatay
Minamahal kong anak,
Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal ka naman magbasa. Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.
Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Maynila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.
Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito! Katulad na lang nung nabili kong shampoo, ayaw bumula! Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya naman hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.
Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay... aba’y akala ba nila hindi ko alam na ‘sigaw’ ang tagalog ng YALE, aba’y wais yata ito!
Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo pero dahil medyo mahal daw kasi mabigat ang mga botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.
Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.
Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.
Nakapanganak na rin pala ang Ate Baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalaki kaya hindi ko pa masasabi kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie...
Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako! Diba yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga pampasaherong bus. Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun? Saan ba ang Terminal nila?
At saka nga pala, may nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo, taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV. Ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang Inggles ang Kulangot. Di ko nasagot... ikaw anak, alam mo?
Wala na akong masyadong balita. Hanggang sa muli, anak. Marami pa kasi akong aasikasuhin. Isasauli ko pa yung shampoo at hahanapin ko pa yung terminal ng Panty Liner.
Love,
Tatay
P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope. Next time na lang ha!
Ang Sulat ni Nanay at Tatay sa Atin
Sa aking pagtanda, unawain mo sana ako
at pagpasensiyahan.
Kapag dala ng kalabuan ng mata ay nakabasag ako ng pinggan o nakatapon ng sabaw sa hapag kainan, huwag mo sana akong kagagalitan. Maramdamin ang isang matanda. Nagse-self-pity ako sa tuwing sinisigawan mo ako.
Kapag mahina na ang tenga ko at hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi mo, huwag mo naman sana akong sabihan ng ‘binge!’ paki-ulit nalang ang sinabi mo o pakisulat nalang. Pasensya ka na, anak. Matanda na talaga ako.
Kapag mahina na ang tuhod ko, pagtiyagaan mo sana akong tulungang tumayo, katulad ng pag-aalalay ko sa iyo noong nag-aaral ka pa lamang lumakad.
Pagpasensyahan mo sana ako kung ako man ay nagiging makulit at paulit-ulit na parang sirang plaka. Basta pakinggan mo nalang ako. Huwag mo sana akong pagtatawanan o pagsasawaang pakinggan.
Natatandaan mo anak noong bata ka pa? kapag gusto mo ng lobo, paulit-ulit mo ‘yong sasabihin, maghapon kang mangungulit hangga’t hindi mo nakukuha ang gusto mo. Pinagtyagaan ko ang kakulitan mo.
Pagpasensyahan mo na rin sana ang aking amoy. Amoy matanda, amoy lupa. Huwag mo sana akong piliting maligo. Mahina na ang katawan ko. Madaling magkasakit kapag nalamigan, huwag mo sana akong pandirihan.
Natatandaan mo noong bata ka pa? pinagtyagaan kitang habulin sa ilalim ng kama kapag ayaw mong maligo.
Pagpasensyahan mo sana kung madalas, ako’y masungit, dala na marahil ito ng katandaan. Pagtanda mo, maiintindihan mo rin.
Kapag may konti kang panahon, magkwentuhan naman tayo, kahit sandali lang. Inip na ako sa bahay, maghapong nag-iisa. Walang kausap.
Alam kong busy ka sa trabaho, subalit nais kong malaman mo na sabik na sabik na akong makakwentuhan ka, kahit alam kong hindi ka interesado sa mga kwento ko.
Natatandaan mo anak, noong bata ka pa? Pinagtyagaan kong pakinggan at intindihin ang pautal-utal mong kwento tungkol sa iyong teddy bear.
At kapag dumating ang sandali na ako’y magkakasakit at maratay sa banig ng karamdaman, huwag mo sana akong pagsawaang alagaan.
Pagpasensyahan mo na sana kung ako man ay maihi o madumi sa higaan, pagtyagaan mo sana akong alagaan sa mga huling sandali ng aking buhay. Tutal hindi na naman ako magtatagal.
Kapag dumating ang sandali ng aking pagpanaw, hawakan mo sana ang aking kamay at bigyan mo ako ng lakas ng loob na harapin ang kamatayan.
At huwag kang mag-alala, kapag kaharap ko na ang Diyos na lumikha, ibubulong ko sa kanya na pagpalain ka sana … dahil naging mapagmahal ka sa iyong ama’t ina…
Inday Jokes
Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa probinsya, namasukan si Inday bilang katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng amo… Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para mag ayos ng bahay, magluto, maglaba, magplantsa, mamalengke, at magbantay ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang lahat ng ito?
Inday: I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute significantly to the value of the work that you want, my creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can offer will boost the workprogress. Amo: [nosebleed]
Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang amo, nakitang me bukol si junior. Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?
Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy’s cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.
Amo: [nosebleed ulit]
Pagdating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo, galit na galit.
Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!
Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for. Amo: [napatumbling!!]
Amo: Inday, bakit binenta mo ung sira na silya?! Inday: I have computed the chair’s fair value less cost to sell, and the value in use using the projections for 5 years and a pretax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is in accordance with PAS18 on Revenue, PAS16 on PPE, and PA36 on Impairment of Assets. Amo: [nagsomersault!!! Accountant din pala si inday...]
Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan, malikot si junior.
Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you! Junior: [takbo sa CR, pinunasan ang nagdudugong ilong!!]
Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.
Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis? Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they’ll stay. Leaving can be a tough act, and it’s harder when people can’t understand you for doing so. Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]
Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong, ang driver ng kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.
Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable statement to the denial of your request - Petition denied.
Di naglaon, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, naging syota nya rin si Inday. Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-break si Inday ke Dodong.
Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocations. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!”
Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as any affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely attempting to expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily recreation. Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself. (May dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.)
Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things you thought are just nothing because maybe someday you’ll realize that the one you gave away is the very thing you’ve been wishing for to stay.
Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni inday.
Amo: {hinimatay sa sobrang nosebleed! Hanggang ngayon hindi pa nagkakamalay}
Si inday, sumulat sa kanyang inay ng mga hinaing sa buhay…
Dear mom, Had it been for the smelling salt, I must have collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me.
Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn’t enough, he was summoned by the principal of his shabbily run academe. Oh, such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never thought being a governess can be such strenuous employ.
