Jokes

Sa mall.....

mom: anak, wag kang bibitaw sa palda ko para di ka mawala.

anak: opo!

2 hours later...

mom: mamang sikyo, may nakita ba kayong batang may dalang palda?

----------------------

 passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder.

NYYAAAH! sigaw ng driver.

passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?

driver: sori bosing, bago lang kasi ako sa taxi, 25 yrs ako driver ng funeraria!

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"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is.

To do or not to is in the what, now or what else.

Without which there never to you!"

- words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid

--------------------------------

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot

Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob

Patient: (ininom ang gamot)

Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?

Patient: oo doc! ****** pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

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Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na 'ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?

Son: flowers po!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!

---------------------------------

Bush: lets help one another.

Erap: tayo'y magtulungan.

Bush: let's strive together.

Erap: tayo'y magsikap.

Bush: because in union there is strength.

Erap: dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!

       

Quotes

"Hindi lahat ng bubuyog kulay itim!"

- Jollibee

 "Sige, kalimutan mo ako! Para malaman ng lahat ang baho mo!"

- Deodorant

"Hindi lahat ng dugo pwedeng idonate"

- Regla

"Hindi lang likas papaya ang kayang magpaputi"

- an an 

"Hindi lahat ng hinog matamis"

- Nana

"Alam mo... wala na akong hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa'yo. Pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo.."

- Ipis

"Pinapaikot mo lang ako. Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako."

- electric fan


"Hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos.

- Winnie D' Pooh

"Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! Wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!?"

- gasolina


"Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya."

- plema


"Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sa 'yo. Ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ganun mo na lang ako itanggi..."

- utot


"Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako."

- bola


"You never know what you have till you lose it. And once you lose it, you can never get it back."

- snatcher


"Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa? Bakit palipat-lipat ka?

- TV

The Dagohoy Story

THE DAGOHOY STORY:

It was the first day of school in Washington DC and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered  fourth grade.

The teacher began, “Let’s review some American history, class. Who said ‘Give me liberty or give me death?’” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy’s who had his hand up, 
“Patrick Henry, 1775.” 
“Very good,” said the teacher.

“Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth’”?

 Again, no response except from Dagohoy: “Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863,” he said.

The teacher snaps at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do.”

She hears a loud whisper from the back: “Screw the Filipinos.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Dagohoy put his hand up. “General John Pershing, Manila, 1896.”

At that point, Jack, another student says, “I’m going to puke.”

The teacher glares and asks, “All right! Now who said that?”

Again Dagohoy answers, “George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991.”

Now furious another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!!”

Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!”

Someone shouts, “You little shit if you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Dagohoy yells, “Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!”

The teacher faints.

“I’m outta here!” mutters one student as he sidles to the door.

“President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Baguio City, December 30, 2002!!” Dagohoy responds.

As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, “Oh shit, now we’re really in big trouble!”

“Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Baghdad, May 2003!” Dagohoy bellowed.

“Now, I really have to run,” Jack mutters, heading for the exit.

“Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!!!” Dagohoy shouts triumphantly jumping with glee.

Jokes 1

Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!


------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - --
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy ang misis ko, kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang.
Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng sampung kilo 'yung kabayo!


------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - --
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.


------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ---
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!


-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ -----
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.


------------ ------------ ------------ -- ----
3 tanga nagsi siksikan sa maliit na kama ***
TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa lapag na lang matulog.
(Bumaba si Tanga 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito!



************ ********* **
Dear Dodong,
Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk...
Nagmamahal - Nanay



************ ********* **
ANAK: ' Tay , penge ng pera. May project kami. Bibili ako ng 'cocomban'.
TATAY: Ano ka ba naman. Hangga ngayon 'cocomban' pa rin ang tawag mo!
ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama?
TATAY: Bomb paper!



************ ********* ********* **
MISIS: Dear, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na. Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan, di ako nakauwi!



************ ********* ********
PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid. Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!



************ ********* ********* ***
At a funeral...
ERAP: Tara na, Jinggoy. Alis na tayo!
JINGGOY: Kararating pa lang natin a!
ERAP: Naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin mo o: 'REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED.'



************ ********* ********
Tanga 1: Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1 coffee. Kanina ka pa silip nang silip diyan.
Tanga 2: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal.. Nakasulat kasi sa karton 'SUGAR FREE.'

************ ********* *******

JUAN: Pare, ang bilis kong nabuo 'tong puzzle!
PEDRO: Talaga? Gaano kabilis?
JUAN: 5 months!
PEDRO: Tagal naman!
JUAN: Tagal ba 'yun? Nakalagay nga dito: 'for 3 years & up'!

What Really Happens in Heaven

This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so  true:  

 
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom  filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the  first section and said, ' This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.  '  

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with  so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous  paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.  

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.  

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked  for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being  packaged for delivery to Earth.  

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This  is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed."  How  is it that there is no work going on here? ' I asked.  

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the  blessings that they asked for, very few send back  acknowledgments"  

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings? " I asked..  

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.  "

"What blessings should they acknowledge?"  I asked.  

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your  wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top  8% of the world ' s wealthy. "  

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."  

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day. "  

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the  loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the  pangs of starvation ... You are ahead of 700 million  people in the world."

"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment,  arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more  blessed than, three billion people in the world."
   
"If your parents are still alive and still married ..you are  very rare."  

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and  despair......."

Battle of the Brainless

Battle of the Brainless

Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines ?

Contestant: Niyog?

Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.

Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?

Contestant: Sa back?

Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).

Contestant: Likod?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito ( Rizal Park ).

Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?

Contestant: Banyo?

Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.

Contestant: Bubong?

Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.

Contestant: Beerhouse!

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?

Contestant: Lifebuoy?

Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan nito.

Contestant : Safeguard?

Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.

Contestant : Safe Buoy?

Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.

Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?

Contestant: Sirena?

Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.

Contestant: Siyokoy?

Host: Hindi ito lalake.

Contestant: Siyoke?

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines ?

Contestant: Sunflower?

Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.

Contestant: Stork?

Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?

Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?

Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at

dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?

Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia ?

Contestant: Carole KING?

Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.

Contestant: Al QUINN?

Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.

Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.

Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?

Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.

Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT ?

Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.

Contestant: Jerry PONS?

Host: Oh, ay! an na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa

Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.

Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500

Peso bill? Clue, may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)

Contestant: Nora Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".

Contestant: Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.

Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.

Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines ?

Contestant: Kuto?

Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.

Contestant: Kutong Lupa!