How would you know you are at a Filipino party?

You're an hour late and there's still nobody there!   There’s enough food to feed the Philippines. 

You can't even get through the door because there's a pile of 50 shoes blocking the way. 

You see a huge fork and spoon on the wall, a framed picture of the Last Supper, a huge Santo Nino,and a barrel man. 

They're singing "Peelings" on karaoke. 

There's a piano in the living room for decoration.     

You are greeted by a Tita Baby and/or a Tito Boy.

The older men are in the garage playing posoy-dos, or poker or 31, the women are in the kitchen gossiping, or are playing mahjong,the other people are in the entertainment room singing karaoke, and the kids are outside the streets running around unsupervised.    

There's goat 'pulutan' beeing cooked. 

There's a crazy woman with a camera going around the room snapping away and yelling, "Uy peeeek-chuuur!"    

You enter a family party and you "Mano" to half the old crowd and when you leave you have to say goodbye to EVERYONE that's related to  you as a sign of respect. You end up saying hello and goodbye for a total of 30-40 minutes.

You know you're at a Filipino party when you hear a male's voice on the karaoke trying to emulate Frank Sinatra's "My Way." 

Women are still doing the line dance to "todo todo".

When there's at least one or more with the name : JP,JJ, JT,TJ,DJ,AJ, RJ,LJ, Lingling, Bingbing, Tingting, Dingding, Wengweng, Bongbong, Dongdong  etc.  

All the old aunties and guests are already wrapping up food to take home.

You have the Pacquiao fight on the illegal cable boxes on the 70" LCD in the movie room,

The 10 yr old 50" CRT in the living room,

The 15 yr old 30" tube in the breakfast nook,

The 20 yr old 15" tube in the kitchen,

The 30 yr old 13" tube in the garage

And the  little portable by the BBQ grill,Because TVs are NEVER retired in a Filipino household, they merely get demoted to whichever room doesn't have a TV yet(hahaha),then it ends up in the balikbayan box to be sent to a relative back home, and it ends up being the main TV at the house again.        

The aunties and guests are showing off their "designer" Louis Vuitton and Coach bags that they secretly bought at a swap-meet . .  

Someone is always in the kitchen constantly cleaning up, and you're not sure if she's the maid or a relative, so you greet and kiss them on the cheek anyway.   

Relatives/friends will ask you where you work and if it's a retail job or if you work at an amusement park, they'll ask if you can get them a discount.    

The lumpia is gone in 5 minutes and they are frying up another batch. 

They play achy-breaky heart over and over again.

I like how the religious gatherings at the house turn into an illegal gambling set up by the end of the night !!

PAC jokes

Genie: Bibigyan kita ng isang kahilingan.

Aling Dionisia: Talaga?…gusto ko gumanda!

Genie: Buksan mo ang bote.

Aling Dionisia: At gaganda na ako?

Genie: Hindi. Babalik na lang ako.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–

Pacman: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?

Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan, TURTA!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–

Reporter: Nguang nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?

Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.

Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?

Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–

Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.

Doctor (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?

Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Paraumayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–
Pacquiao: Wala, talo ka na kahit anung gawin mo..

Hatton: Pagandahan na lang tayo ng nanay!

Pacquiao: Ah! Wala namang ganyanan. I mean you know…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.

Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?

Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.

———- ———- ———- ——— ——— ———-

Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayu anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin… “MANKY”……

———- ———- ———- ——— ———- ———-

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag
nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat
kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga ‘nay? Anu?
Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)

——— ——- ——– ——— ——— ———

Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk
Manny: Pare, ba’t naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Freddie: Meron. .. Manhid ka lang!

——— ——— ——– ——– ——– ———
Noodle!!

Noodle!! Noodle!!

- Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal

——– ———- ——– ——– ——— ——–

Sa Las Vegas:

Waiter: May i take your order, Madam?

Aling Dionisia: Soup

Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?

Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!

——— ———- ——— ——— ——- ——–

Sa isang birthday party:
Aling Dionisia: Blue!!! Blue the Kick!!!!

——— ———- ——- ——— ——– ——–

You is!’ ‘you is! you is!’, sigaw ni Aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika..Andito na ako sa ‘you is!’

Breaking News

BREAKING NEWS!!! 


Congressman Manny Pacquiao is planning to spend his fortune to 
build PACQUIAO UNIVERSITY, which we'll call in short 
PAC-U! Students will be called "Pacquers"! Mother Dionisia will be primarily runningthe school, she will be called "Mother Pacquer"! After hearing this news, Bobby Pacquiao, being a jealous brother decided to put up his own University called PAC-U 2..


haha watdapac? it's pacquing hell!

Modern Filipino Terminology

1. BAKTOL — ang ikatlong lebel ng mabahong amoy sa kili-kili. ang baktol ay kapareho ng amoy ng nabubulok na bayabas. ito’y dumidikit sa damit, at humahalo sa pawis. madalas na naaamoy tuwing registration, sa elevator o FX.

“Put@#$%, sinong nangangamoy BAKTOL sa inyo????!!!

2. KUKURIKAPU — libag sa ilalim ng boobs. madalas na namumuo dahil

sa labis na baby powder na inilalagay sa katawan. Maaari ding mamuo kung

hindi talaga naliligo o naghihilod ang isang babae. ang KUKURIKAPU ay mas madalas mamuo sa mga babaeng malalaki ang joga.

“Honey, maligo ka na para maalis yang KUKURIKAPU mo.”

3. MULMUL — buhok sa gitna ng isang nunal. mahirap ipaliwanag kung bakit nagkakaroon ng MULMUL ang isang nunal. subalit hindi talaga ito naaalis, kahit na bunutin pa ito, maliban na lamang kung ipapa-laser ito.

“How nice naman your MULMUL! Nakakakiliti!”

4. BURNIK — taeng sumabit sa buhok sa pwet. madalas nararanasan ng mga taong nagti-tissue lamang pagkatapos tumae. ang BURNIK ay mahirap alisin, lalo na kapag natuyo na ito. ipinapayo sa mga may BURNIK na maligo na lamang upang ito’y maalis.

“Labs, alam ko kung anong kinain mo kanina!!!”

5. ALPOMBRA — kasuotan sa paa na kadalasang makikitang suot ng mga tindero ng yosi sa quiapo. ito’y may makipot na suotan ng paa, at manipis na swelas. mistulang sandalyas ito ng babae pero kadalasang

suot ng mga lalaki. available in blue, red, green, etc.

6. BAKOKANG — higanteng peklat. ito’y madalas na dulot ng mga sugat na malaki na hindi ginamitan ng sebo de macho habang natutuyo. imbes na normal na balat ang nakatakip sa bakokang, ito’y mayroong makintab na takip.

7. AGIHAP — libag na dumikit sa panty o brief. nabubuo ang AGIHAP kung ang panty o brief ay suotsuot na nang hindi bumababa sa tatlong araw.

8. DUKIT — ito ang amoy na nakukuha kung isinabit mo ang daliri mo sa iyong puwit o sa puwit ng iba….try it to prove it thats DUKIT.

9. SPONGKLONG — ito’y isang bagong wika na nangangahulugan sa isang estupidong tao.

“Buti naman at bumaba na sa puwesto ang spongklong nating Presidente.”

10. LAPONGGA — ito’y kahintulad sa laplapan o kaya sa lamasan.

“Hoy Utoy, bakit ba ang hilig mo sa mga sineng puro lapongga lang ang palabas?”

11. WENEKLEK — ito ang buhok sa utong na kadalasang nakikita sa mga tambay sa kanto na laging nakahubad. Meron din ang babae nito.

“Inay! Si Itay, sinaksak yung kapitbahay natin kasi hinila yung weneklek niya!”

12. BAKTUNG — pinaikling salita ng BAKAT-UTONG.

“Uy Jefferson, tingnan mo si Ma’am, baktung na naman!”

13. BAKTI — bakat panty.

14. ASOGUE — buhok sa kilikili.

15. BARNAKOL — maitim na libag sa batok na naipon sa matagal na panahon.

16. BULTOKACHI — tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet kapag nalalaglag ang isang malaking ebak.

17. BUTUYTUY — etits ng bata

18. JABARR — pawis ng katawan

19. KALAMANTUTAY — mabahong pangalan

20. McARTHUR — taeng bumabalik after mong i-flush. “I shall return!”

Source: Priam07

Worst Parenting Fails

This is the power of make-up!

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.