28 February 2010

MELANIE MARQUEZ QUOTES AND JOKES


“I couldn’t care a damn!”
“What’s your next class before this?”
“Can you repeat that for the 2nd time around once more?”
“Hello, my brother Joey is out of town, would you like to wait?”
“Don’t touch me not!”
“You! you’re not a boy anymore! You’re a man anymore!”
“Hello? For a while. Please hang yourself.”
“Why should I have a calling card? I’m not a call girl!”
“That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.”
“Don’t judge my brother; he’s not a book.”
“I won’t stoop down to my level.”
“Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?”
“Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.”
“We are lovers, not fighters.”
“Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.”
“I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.”
“Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat.”
(During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick,
directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)
“Sumasakit ang migraine ko.”
“Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!”
“Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point.”
(When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.)
“Oo nga”, said Melanie,”pero I-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.” Then Melanie looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, she said, “And to you, Mrs Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!”.
“Dont worry little angel, big angel is here”.
“He should be put behind bar”. You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can fool me thrice, but you can never fool me four”.
“Nikki, you’re so galing. You should go to the states. You will sell hotcakes”.
“They should talk behind the scene… (on Kris and Joey)
“Hindi ba kayo naawa sa kapatid ko… sa mga kwento nya? Di ba kayo na-PERSUAVE ng mga kwento niya? Hindi si Joey ang tipong mambubugbog ng babae… talaga lang malapit siya sa mga gulo… PRO-ACCIDENT kasi siya eh.”
Boy Abunda: O Melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong magmo-Mormon ka na?
Melanie: Ah okay lang ‘yon Boy, kasi matagal na rin akong SEMI-RETARDED.
“A man’s success is a woman’s behind.”
“My husband was born on a silver spoon”
Ate Luds: Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?
Melanie: Alam mo Ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to istep your foot…ah, forward!
“It’s not my problem anymore. It’s their problem anymore.”
Melanie Marquez was accosted by a certain guy from a certain TV network.
He shouted, “Hey *****,” upon which Melanie turned around
and retorted, “Don’t you ever, ever call me…. hey!”
“I keep my crown in the voltage.”
“Well, I want to spend my holidays with my family most probably out of place. ”
“Please watch HIRAM starring Aleck Baldwin (referring to Aleck Bovick) and myself.. It’s DIRECTOR by Romy Suzara..” (While she was in Morning Girls With Kris and Korina)
“My answers have been prayered.” (After giving birth, and an interview on The Buzz )
“Hello…Huwag kang tumahol sa sarili mong bakuran noh! You know, huwag kang tumahol like dogs.” (On ex-flame Lito Lapid, in response to being misunderstood)

23 February 2010

Ang Sulat ni Tatay

Minamahal kong anak,

          Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal ka naman magbasa.  Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay.  Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.
          Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Maynila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.
          Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito!  Katulad na lang nung nabili kong shampoo, ayaw bumula!  Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya naman hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko.  Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.
          Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock.  Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas.  Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay...  aba’y akala ba nila hindi ko alam na ‘sigaw’ ang tagalog ng YALE, aba’y wais yata ito!
          Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo.  Ipinadala ko na sa iyo pero dahil medyo mahal daw kasi mabigat ang mga botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket.  Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.
          Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.
          Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao na under sa kanya.  Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.
          Nakapanganak na rin pala ang Ate Baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalaki kaya hindi ko pa masasabi kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie...
          Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako!  Diba yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga pampasaherong bus.  Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun?  Saan ba ang Terminal nila?
          At saka nga pala, may nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo, taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV.  Ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang Inggles ang Kulangot.  Di ko nasagot... ikaw anak, alam mo?
          Wala na akong masyadong balita.  Hanggang sa muli, anak.  Marami pa kasi akong aasikasuhin.  Isasauli ko pa yung shampoo at hahanapin ko pa yung terminal ng Panty Liner.    
                                                                                          Love,
                                                                                          Tatay

P.S.  Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope.  Next time na lang ha!


19 February 2010

ERAPtions

Erap to Cardinal:  Hanggang ngayon galit pa ang simbahan sa akin.  This is unfair.
Cardinal:  Why did you say that?
Erap:  Mayroong Sabado de GLORIA, Sagrado de CORAZON, at Domingo de RAMOS.  Bakit ako wala??? Eh, I was also a President!
Cardinal (after a careful thought):  OK, from now on, yours is ASS Wednesday!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke #8: SAVE
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: ‘10, 9, 8,….’.
FVR shouts, ‘Flood!’. In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It’s Cory’s turn. She shouts: ‘Earthquake! ‘. The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: ‘10, 9, 8, 7….’. Erap had a mental block. ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1…’
Erap shouted: ‘Fire!’.
Joke #9: ERAP IN LIBRARY
Erap in Library
‘What time does the library open?’ Erap on the phone asked.
‘Nine A.M. ‘ came the reply. ‘And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?’
‘Not until nine A.M.?’ Erap asked in a disappointed voice.
‘No, not till nine A.M.!’ the librarian said.
‘Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?’
‘ha, who said I wanted to get in?’ Erap sighed sadly. ‘I want to get out!’

Joke #10: IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap’s wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
Joke #11: ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma’am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
Joke #12: TESTING
As Erap’s Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw…….
Joke #13: WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: ‘Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?’
Erap: ‘I don’t know, kasi nasa first class ako.’
Joke #14: KAMUKHA DAW
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.


15 February 2010

More Inday Jokes

Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo, galit na galit. 
Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!
Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.
Amo: [napatumbling!!]

Amo: Inday, bakit binenta mo ung sira na silya?!
Inday: I have computed the chair’s fair value less cost to sell, and the value in use using the projections for 5 years and a pretax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is in accordance with PAS18 on Revenue, PAS16 on PPE, and PA36 on Impairment of Assets.
Amo: [nagsummersault!!! Accountant din pala si inday...]


Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan, malikot si junior.
Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you!
Junior: [takbo sa CR, pinunasan ang nagdudugong ilong!!]

Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.
Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?
Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they’ll stay. Leaving can be a tough act, and it’s harder when people can’t understand you for doing so.
Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong, ang driver ng kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.  
Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable statement to the denial of your request - Petition denied.

Di naglaon, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, naging syota nya rin si Inday. Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-break si Inday ke Dodong.  
Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocations. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!”
Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as any affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely attempting to expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily recreation. Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself. (May dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.)
Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things you thought are just nothing because maybe someday you’ll realize that the one you gave away is the very thing you’ve been wishing for to stay.
Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni inday.
Amo: {hinimatay sa sobrang nosebleed! Hanggang ngayon hindi pa nagkakamalay}

Si inday, sumulat sa kanyang inay ng mga hinaing sa buhay…Dear mom, Had it been for the smelling salt, I must have collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me, Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn’t enough, he was summoned by the principal of his shabbily run academe. Oh, such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never thought being a governess can be such strenuous employ.
Your daughter,
Inday



07 February 2010

Pacquiao Jokes

CHAVIT: MANNY, paki acknowledge naman si 1st Gentleman,late dumating, ayun kadadaan lang, tabi ng ringside.,

PACMAN: i wud like to acknowledge da ARRIVAL OF DA LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.
--------------
Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tau anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin…
“MANKY” Harhar.
--------------
Pacquiao: honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : lambing mo talaga. mwah !! nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita… ang dilim!!
------------------
INRITS YUR BOCABOLARY: by Manny Pacquiao

TACTICS - tunog ng orasan
PAYT - laban para sa Pinoy
TAYTOL - pamagat ng laban
JENGKEH - name ng dyowa nya?!
NO PEER - sponsor nya
MOTOR KID - pag-ikot nya sa Manila
CHECK IN - manok sa McDo
CORRUPT - pagsara ng mata
MURA LESS - nakalaban nya
WIT - timbang
WAWAWEH - noontime show
DUET - gawin mo
L.A. - Leto Attyinsah!
QUOTES - tawag nya kay Freddie Roach!
----------
"Dare what it takes to be, then we shall so because it is. To do or not, now or what else to be without" You know!
----Words of wisdom from Manny Pacquiao.
----------------
Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan...

Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar...GenSan?
Manny: ah, yun ba? uhmm...eh...ang masasabii ku lang diyan ay...
Reporter: ano..?
Manny: ahh, kwan,...maraming Fish sa GenSan pero wala masyado umo-Order.
-----------------
Manny: dear te,

dear te,

dear te,

dear te yan Junior!!!

---Manny, pinagagalitan ang anak nya kasi naglalaro sa kanal.
-------------------------

Si Manny habang inimbita ni PGMA sa isang Hapunan...

GMA:"I`ll have Swiss Steak and French Fries", nag order si GMA sa waiter.
Waiter: And you, Sir?
Manny: The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too




04 February 2010

Tagalog Idioms

agaw-buhay -- naghihingalo, between life and death
anak-pawis -- magsasaka; manggagawa farmer; laborer; blue-collar worker
anak-dalita -- mahirap, poor
alilang-kanin -- utusang walang sweldo, pagkain lang, house-help with no income, provided with food and shelter
balitang kutsero -- hindi totoong balita, rumor, gossip, false story
balik-harap -- mabuti sa harapan, taksil sa likuran double-faced person, one who betrays trust
bantay-salakay -- taong nagbabait-baitan a person who pretends to be good, opportunist
bungang-araw -- sakit sa balat prickly heat (literal=fruit of the sun)
balat-sibuyas -- manipis, maramdamin a sensitive person (literal=onion-skinned)
balat-kalabaw -- makapal, di agad tinatablan ng hiya one who is insensitive; with dense-face (literal=buffalo-skinned)
buto't balat -- payat na payat malnourished (literal=skin-and-bone)
tulak ng bibig -- salita lamang, di tunay sa loob insincere words (literal=pushed-by-the-mouth)
dalawa ang bibig -- mabunganga, madaldal nagger, talkative person (literal=two-mouthed)
halang ang bituka -- salbahe, desperado, hindi nangingiming pumatay, a person with no moral compunction (literal=with a horizontal intestine)
mahapdi ang bituka -- nagugutom, a hungry person (literal=sore intestine)
makapal ang bulsa -- maraming pera rich, wealthy (literal = with a thick pocket)
butas ang bulsa -- walang pera poor (literal=with a hole in the pocket)
sukat ang bulsa -- marunong gumamit ng pera someone who knows his ability to pay
nagbabatak ng buto -- nagtatrabaho ng higit sa kinakailangan one who works hard
matigas ang buto -- malakas, a strong person
kidlat sa bilis -- napakabilis, exceedingly fast
kusang palo -- sariling sipag, initiative
mabigat ang kamay -- tamad magtrabaho, a lazy person (literal=heavy-handed person)
magaan ang kamay -- madaling manuntok, manapok, manakit, one who easily hits another person, easily provoked (literal=light-handed person)
mabilis ang kamay -- mandurukot a snatcher, pickpocket (literal=fast-handed)
malikot ang kamay -- kumukuha ng hindi kanya one who has the habit of stealing things (literal=listless hand)
di makabasag-pinggan -- mahinhin a very demure, prim-and-proper person
di mahulugang-karayom -- maraming tao overcrowded place (literal=where one cannot throw a pin)
pag-iisang dibdib -- kasalwedding (literal=to be of one heart)
kabiyak ng dibdib -- asawa spouse (literal=the other half of the heart)
daga sa dibdib -- takot worry, fear (literal=mouse in the chest)
nagbukas ng dibdib -- nagtapat na nais pakasalan ang kasintahan a man who proposed marriage (literal=opened his heart)
bulaklak ng dila -- pagpapalabis sa katotohanan exaggeration (literal=flower of the tongue)
magdilang anghel -- magkatotoo sana to wish that what has been said will come true
makati ang dila -- madaldal, mapunahin talkative person (literal = one with itchy tongue)
matalas ang dila -- masakit mangusap one who talks offensively (literal = sharp-tongued person)
maanghang ang dila -- bastos magsalita a vulgar person (literal = spicy-tongued person)
matamis ang dila -- mahusay mangusap, bolero a fast talker (literal = sweet-tongued person)
kaututang dila -- katsismisan a gossip (literal = farting tongue)
sanga-sangang dila -- sinungaling a liar
may krus ang dila -- nakapanghihimatong one who could foretell an event
kumukulo ang dugo -- naiinis, nasusuklam a person who hates somebody (literal=boiling blood)
magaan ang dugo -- madaling makapalagayan ng loob a person with whom one gets along easily (literal=light-blood)
maitim ang dugo -- salbahe, tampalasan an evil or bad person (literal=dark-blooded)
hampas-lupa -- lagalag, busabos a bum person, without any goals in life
haligi ng tahanan -- ama father (literal = post of the house)
ilaw ng tahanan -- ina mother (literal = light of the house)
itaga sa bato -- tandaan to remember (something) forever (literal = cast in stone)
isulat sa tubig -- kalimutan to forget (something) forever (literal=write it on water)
makitid ang isip -- mahinang umunawa, walang masyadong nalalaman someone incapable of understanding (literal=narrow-minded)
malawak ang isip -- madaling umunawa, maraming nalalaman someone who easily understands (literal=broad-minded)
malakas ang loob -- matapang a brave person (literal=strong-willed)
mahina ang loob -- duwag a coward (literal=weak-willed)
mababa ang loob -- maawain merciful person (literal=low-hearted)
masama ang loob -- nagdaramdam a person with a grudge, painful or ill feelings against someone (literal=bad feelings)
mabigat ang loob -- di-makagiliwan a person with whom one could not get along with
bukal sa loob -- taos-puso, tapat a sincere person, or one who gives with a pure heart (literal=pure-hearted)
mahabang dulang -- kasalan wedding
makalaglag-matsing -- nakaka-akit enchanting look
makuskos-balungos -- mareklamo, mahirap amuin, mahirap pasayahin hard to please, always complaining
mahaba ang buntot -- laging nasusunod ang gusto, kulang sa palo, salbahe a person who is a spoiled brat
malapad ang papel -- maraming kakilala na makapagbibigay ng tulong a person who is very influential
may magandang hinaharap -- may magandang kinabukasan a person with a bright future
may sinasabi -- mayaman, may likas na talino a wealthy person or a talented person
matalas ang mata -- madaling makakita someone who could easily spot something (literal=sharp-eyed)
tatlo ang mata -- maraming nakikita, mapaghanap ng mali a fault-finder, cynical person (literal=three-eyed person)
namuti ang mata -- nainip sa kahihintay, matagal nang naghihintay a person who was stood up (literal=one whose eyes turned white)
matigas ang leeg -- mapag-mataas, di namamansin snobbish person (literal=stiff-necked)
matigas ang katawan -- tamad a lazy person (literal=stiff-bodied)
makapal ang palad -- masipag a busy-body, industrious person (literal=thick-palmed)
maitim ang budhi -- masamang tao, tuso an evil or bad person (literal=dark-souled)
mababaw ang luha -- madaling umiyak emotional person (literal=tear-on-the-surface)
makapal ang mukha -- di marunong mahiya a shameless person (literal= dense-faced)
manipis ang mukha -- mahiyain a shy person (literal= thin-faced)
maaliwalas ang mukha -- masayahin a joyful person (literal= bright-faced)
madilim ang mukha -- taong simangot, problemado a problematic person (literal=dim-faced)
dalawa ang mukha -- kabilanin, balik-harap a deceptive, two-faced person
nakahiga sa salapi/pera -- mayaman rich, connotes someone who is spoiled by wealth
nagbibilang ng poste -- walang trabaho someone who is jobless, literally counting posts
namamangka sa dalawang ilog -- salawahan a person who is unfaithful
nagmumurang kamatis -- matandang nag-aayos binata o dalaga an old man/woman insecure about his/her looks and dresses up like a young person
naniningalang-pugad -- nanliligaw a man courting a woman
ningas-kugon -- panandalian, di pang-matagalan something that is not permanent, usually connotes a behavior or action not meant to last
panis ang laway -- taong di-palakibo a very quiet person
pagkagat ng dilim -- pag lubog ng araw twilight
patay-gutom -- matakaw glutton
pulot-gata -- pagtatalik ng bagong kasal honeymoon
putok sa buho -- anak sa labas an illegitimate child; out-of-wedlock child
makati ang paa -- mahilig sa gala o lakad a person who is fond of going places (literal=itchy feet)
pantay ang mga paa -- patay na one who just died (literal=level feet)
nagpupusa -- nagsasabi ng mga kuwento ukol sa isang tao telling on somebody
saling-pusa -- pansamantalang kasali sa laro o trabaho temporarily included in a game or work
sampid-bakod -- nakikisunod, nakikikain, o nakikitira someone who is privileged to lodge and board in house for free
samaing palad -- malas na tao an unfortunate person, unlucky person
sampay-bakod -- taong nagpapanggap, hindi mapagkakatiwalaan ang sinasabi a false, pretentious person
takaw-tulog -- mahilig matulog a lazy person who always wants to stay in bed
takipsilim -- paglubog ng araw twilight
talusaling -- manipis ang balat a very sensitive person
talusira -- madaling magbago a person who easily changes
tawang-aso -- nagmamayabang, nangmamaliit a person who sneers
matalas ang tainga -- madaling makarinig one who easily hears the news (literal=sharp-eared)
maputi ang tainga -- kuripot miser, scrooge (literal=white-eared)
nakapinid ang tainga -- nagbibingi-bingihan one who plays deaf (literal=closed-eared)
taingang kawali -- nagbibingi-bingihan one who plays deaf (literal=wok-eared: uses metaphor of the handle of a wok)
utang na loob -- pasasalamat na hindi kayang bayaran ng ano pa man (as noun) debt of gratitude
matalas ang ulo -- matalino bright, intelligent (literal=sharp-headed)
mahangin ang ulo -- mayabang arrogant person (literal=air-headed)
malamig ang ulo -- maganda ang sariling disposisyon in a good mood (literal=cool-headed)
mainit ang ulo -- pangit ang disposisyon in a bad mood (literal=hot-headed)
lumaki ang ulo -- yumabang someone who became proud, arrogant (literal=one whose head grew big)
matigas ang ulo -- ayaw makinig sa pangaral o utos one who is stubborn (literal=hard-headed)
basag-ulo -- gulo, away chaos, quarrel, fight (literal=break head)
may ipot sa ulo -- taong pinagtaksilan ng asawa a person who has been cheated by his/her spouse (literal=one with shit on his/her head)
sira ang ulo/sira ang tuktok -- taong maraming kalokohan ang nasa isip a crazy or foolish person
utak-biya -- bobo, mahina ang ulo stupid, brainless (literal=fish-brained)
matalas ang utak -- matalino bright, intelligent person (literal=sharp-brained)
Source: http://www.tagalog-dictionary.com/source.html?a=idioms 

01 February 2010

Inday Jokes

For your information, Inday is the usual name of a housemaid, or katulong in Tagalog. After the popularity of Ederlyn, which of course almost every Filipino text addict knows about, Inday comes next.

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa probinsya, namasukan si Inday bilang katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng amo… 
Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para mag ayos ng bahay, magluto, maglaba, magplantsa, mamalengke, at magbantay ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang lahat ng ito?
Inday: I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the use of standard tools, my discipline and experience will contribute significantly to the value of the work that you want, my creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can offer will boost the work progress.
Amo: [nosebleed]

Amo: Hoy Inday bakit sunog ang sinaing?
Inday: Heavy fire that exerted by the stimulus affect the best conductor of heat which is the steel, causing the “oriza sativa” which is the scientific of rice to change its state of color, smell as well as the taste.
Amo: … *nosebleed*

Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang amo, nakitang me bukol si junior. 
Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?
Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy’s cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.
Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan. 
Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?
Inday: The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.
Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!
Inday: Because I don’t want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.
Donya: [hinimatay]

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si junior sa principal’s office dahil di makapunta ang amo at donya.
Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang kanyang kaklase.
Inday: It’s absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your policies because they suck!
Principal: [nag resign]